988, who is counting?

Posted: October 23, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Hey Jenn!
I didn’t have anyone in mind when I shrunk my list of Facebook friends. Don’t know if you remember but I sent a “goodbye Facebook” note to everyone on my list, precisely so nobody felt singled out by being “dropped”… There are some that accidentally stayed, either because I had them in sub groups, or some other oversight.
I have added my Brazilian relatives with whom I share a mild interest in my messed up family‘s genealogy.
I still and forever will consider you my dear friend. I know we had a rough patch and I just am not very good at watching out for where I can be hurting people. The last time we talked I felt that you were still raw, so I just kept my quiet (presence) around.
For me our friendship has always been a comfortable one, we didn’t HAVE to talk every day, or see each other a whole lot, and when we were in closer contact it was always good, even if and when either one of us were not in such good terms with life or our own wounds.
Maybe my silence or apparent distance has more to do with the progression of my therapy than with you and I. It is a painful process, the reconstruction of one’s person, it is hard to be a phoenix, when we are nothing but human, and yet, some people like me, have the drive to phoenix around and keep digging Watson, on order to uncover my good person that hopefully wasn’t so completely damaged after all…

Of course I miss you and Jake, a whole lot. I have always looked forward to your visits – like a mini micro vacation for me, having the two of you here.

I had a couple of emotional debacles with Carole and her family cutting us off after I let her go from the job. It is not too simple, is it? Then there is DJ who with time has become more difficult, or I have gotten older and less indulging. He continues to be in love and wants to marry the girl. Her family is not too enthusiastic and I stand on the side lines and watch him get hurt. Not too simple either. Then there is Don, of course getting older, but kind and gentle even if sometimes irritable and not wanting to take a shower or go to a movie at all, or increasingly more compulsive and I have to carve my own sitting space not to say existential bubble, to manage to stand reality as it is. Again, never quite simple…
So I see my great shrink and she is awesome. I can swear, laugh, cry, be small and petulant without punishment. I can take myself apart and look inside and it is safe. I enjoy that. I work hard, many hours a week. The business is slowly being changed into a real business… and that makes me feel good. I guess I don’t have a whole lot of my old emotional space, like I used to have, because it is filled up by the people who are in my close environment and the little bit that I have left, I HAVE to use for myself, lest I lose my sanity.
Much like my former friend Deborah Shuller, I don’t like to talk on the phone. I don’t know why but I avoid it, even at work and people who know me, know that. But, I’m nice to myself and I keep doing the right things whenever I can. I have been writing some, not painting too much. No time, maybe. Work is hectic but I have a pretty good team. Next step will be to make money hehe..
I haven’t talked to father ed much either. It is hard to get pass the secretary and I don’t find that to be worth the effort. On Sundays, which is my only day off, Wendy and her family, Karen and her family (her husband the greatest asshole in the world) and Sara and her husband usually come over and we cook and eat, sometimes we play games and laugh a lot, then they leave and the kitchen is a huge mess and I let it sit until monday night. Sometimes I leave work early on Monday to clean up the kitchen.
Wendy had told me that you are having another little fellow in the family. She didn’t know much, but I am sure it will be great. Families have a great way of sprouting love. It happens around here. And it should happen around there.
When Carole and her family used to come out to the river, which was not very often, the atmosphere wasn’t always pleasant, a lot of tension, jealousies, anger, looks across the room, criticism
all kind of shit, which I do not miss. I guess I thought about this because I remember how it used to be when we were friends at st Thomas and we all used to go out to lunch and how much I enjoyed the fact that we were a dynamic group that was always open to welcome new people. No questions asked. People either fit in or not and it was a natural thing.. I feel that with Carole it was never quite that. That maybe she had expectations that either I didn’t know or didn’t have the withal to give it. So it wasn’t easy and in an odd way it is better, that is, life without the friction of a very imperfect relationship.
It would be nice to have you live in town so you could waltz in like they do, on Sundays and fall asleep on the couch because everything outside is falling asleep and there is no time to keep,, no clocks to mark it. I guess it is difficult to get all these when we live so far away.
Don will be 80 in February. We are planning to come up for a week to stay with Jake’s family. I would love to have you guys come to the party (I think the plan is to go to a tapas restaurant) and if that were not to be, I would love to see you and just hang out, without hang ups, just like we always did, let life happen at its own pace, in its own way… Yeah, it would be nice to have pics once in a while
love,
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